I have been sick since September 13th. I am going on 2 months of coughing like it’s my job! I have lost count of the doctors’ visits. It started out as bronchitis. Then it went to asthmatic bronchitis. Then just plan asthma and now it is a fungus in my throat caused by the high amount of antibiotics I have been put on. Oh and I still am having the asthmatic spasm in my lungs. FABULOUS!!!
I AM TIRED!
I am tired as in the sleepy, can’t keep my eyes open version and I am tired as in the fed up, irritated, lost what little patience I have version! I’m taking my vitamins. I’m eating healthy…er. I’m taking my meds. I’m drinking plenty of water. Yet, I can not seem to get healthy. I am still sick (and tired).
I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for a while now. This didn’t happen until after college. Before I got sick, I was about to start week 2 of the couch to 5K program. I was feeling good about working out again. Having a plan. Doing something for me! Then I got sick. No more treadmill for me. Heck, I’m happy if I can make it up the stairs without coughing up a lung! Although, at this point, maybe that would get me a new lung which doesn’t sound so bad. . . ok, maybe it does. Regardless, my 5K plans are on hold . . . for now. My weight loss (or as I like to call it – the Taking Back Control Plan) is moving slowly with only healthy eating and portion control to get me through this non-exercising time. Exercise gives you energy. . . I am tired.
My husband is amazing. Not only does he think sick me is still sexy (God bless him!), he also has no problem jumping in and taking care of literally everything!!!! Me, the house, the laundry, dinner, Ayden, the dogs – there is nothing this man doesn’t take care of and he does it with a smile on his face!!! Yes, I know I am lucky and I will fight to the death anyone that tries to take him from me. He is my soul mate! Sometimes I wonder just how much he can put up with. I don’t feel like the fun girl he fell in love with all those years ago. I’m this coughing, sneezing, headached, tired, heavier and therefore nowhere near as fun version of that girl. The girl I was at 20. 20 . . . I miss you so much!! *sigh* But he keeps a smile on his face (most of the time) and tells me he loves me more today than yesterday. And what is better than him saying that is that he means it . . . and I know it!
I lay in bed, awake for one reason or another, and think. I don’t sleep. Maybe that’s why I am so tired?!?! I want to sleep, but I wake up. Usually because someone is snoring or Ayden is crying/fussing, but sometimes I just wake up. For. no. reason. Except to maybe hear the Jake and the Neverland Pirates theme song playing in my head. EXCELLENT!!!!! No wonder I can’t get healthy. I’m up at all hours of the night humming Disney Junior show tunes. I guess it could be worse; I could have the Little Einsteins or Small Potatoes running through my head. *sigh* I need help . . . like serious professional help. I think I will consult my wine bottle instead. Or maybe this calls for the heavy hitter of champagne. I always feel like the bubbles take me to my happy place! Maybe if I actually drank as much as I talk about drinking I would sleep more. But I don’t think that is the sleep I need.
I NEED SLEEP. Real honest to God restful, blissful, non-interrupted sleep!!!!!
I would like to take a few days to just stay in bed, not do a damn thing but sleep and watch HGTV and not feel guilty about it. Of course I will miss Ayden and Harley. Maybe they can come visit for a kiss and a hug or two? Am I selfish for wanting this? I can’t help but think that maybe this is what I need to get better. But I will never take it. I feel guilty enough just thinking about it and guilt makes me feel just as sick as sick makes me feel. I may not be the best Christian that I can be but I am one damn good Catholic with all the guilt I carry!
There also isn’t time for me to sit the game out for a little while. Too much to do. Isn’t this what being a mom is? Making sure everything else gets taken care of and done before you get taken care of? Maybe that is why it is taking so long to get over my sickness. Even when I “rest” I’m not truly resting. I’m still keeping an eye on things. That’s life. There is always something going on or something that needs doing and we just put on our big girl panties and get through it. I think MOM and TIRED are one in the same. I think I could deal with the tired – that is why God invented Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy and Coffee!! It is the sick that is getting to me. It is the not being able to run after my child or take the dogs for a walk or just be silly and dance around that is driving me crazy!! It is the coughing so hard and so much for the past 2 months that my ribs hurt and my muscles ache that I am having a hard time handling. It is breaking a sweat just putting away the dishes that makes me a little bit insane. It is being sick, on top of being tired that makes me start to slip to that dark place where we all travel to at times but never really like to admit. But I am one of the lucky ones. I have a true partner to help me get through it all and get it all done! And at the end of the day, he pours me a glass of sanity and security with a great big hug and kiss (and sometimes even a back rub!!)
I may be sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I will never cease to be amazed by how much I am loved . . . and how many Disney Junior show tunes I actually know!
I would like to end today with a toast . . . to my amazing husband who loves me even when I am sick . . . and tired . . . and singing Disney songs!
I will never be sick or tired of that!
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