Enough

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. Space. Time. Sleep. Money. It’s never enough.

I was hanging on by a thread. . . A THREAD!!! That’s it! Nothing more, nothing less. It was not enough. It’s never enough.

It broke. The thread broke. I think it more than broke. It snapped. It shredded. It wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.

It’s like a house of cards. One more on top and they all tumble down. The structure pushed to its limit because it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.

Like that house of cards, I too, have a breaking point. Pushed to my limit because it’s never enough. Pushed to my limit because I am strong.

My strength is not enough. It is never enough. Even the strong are weak . . . at times. This is my time.

It has been a hard year. It has tested my faith, my strength . . . my marriage. I have passed. At every turn, I have passed. Have I stumbled? Of course, but I have people around me who have helped me get going again. I have me. I am strong. But am I strong enough? Really, how much can one person take?

God fits the back for the burden. I believe this. I have faith. But it is hard and I am hurting. I have been hurting. I hurt for me. I hurt for those around me.

I can only take so much and I have hit my breaking point. I have had enough. Funny. I have had enough even though there is never enough.  

I hate making decisions. I constantly second guess myself. I don’t have confidence that I will make the right decision. I HATE this about me.

This flight (2011) has been bumpy. Apparently not bumpy enough.

Dealing with giving Sequoya away has provided more turbulence

But that is life. And some days prove to be even more difficult then the difficult day before it. (Does that even make sense?)

It is without saying that when you cause pain to the person you love, it makes your already crumbling world crumble more.  I did it without even knowing what I was doing.

My rock, my strength, they are all slipping away from me.

So here I am . . . trying to grab anything I can and hang on to. Things could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful. I know I will be ok. I always am. It's just the road to get there is a bit longer, windier, and lonelier this time.  And I wonder if I really have what it takes for a full recovery. Do I really have enough? Is there ever enough?