Enough

It’s not enough. It’s never enough. Space. Time. Sleep. Money. It’s never enough.

I was hanging on by a thread. . . A THREAD!!! That’s it! Nothing more, nothing less. It was not enough. It’s never enough.

It broke. The thread broke. I think it more than broke. It snapped. It shredded. It wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.

It’s like a house of cards. One more on top and they all tumble down. The structure pushed to its limit because it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.

Like that house of cards, I too, have a breaking point. Pushed to my limit because it’s never enough. Pushed to my limit because I am strong.

My strength is not enough. It is never enough. Even the strong are weak . . . at times. This is my time.

It has been a hard year. It has tested my faith, my strength . . . my marriage. I have passed. At every turn, I have passed. Have I stumbled? Of course, but I have people around me who have helped me get going again. I have me. I am strong. But am I strong enough? Really, how much can one person take?

God fits the back for the burden. I believe this. I have faith. But it is hard and I am hurting. I have been hurting. I hurt for me. I hurt for those around me.

I can only take so much and I have hit my breaking point. I have had enough. Funny. I have had enough even though there is never enough.  

I hate making decisions. I constantly second guess myself. I don’t have confidence that I will make the right decision. I HATE this about me.

This flight (2011) has been bumpy. Apparently not bumpy enough.

Dealing with giving Sequoya away has provided more turbulence

But that is life. And some days prove to be even more difficult then the difficult day before it. (Does that even make sense?)

It is without saying that when you cause pain to the person you love, it makes your already crumbling world crumble more.  I did it without even knowing what I was doing.

My rock, my strength, they are all slipping away from me.

So here I am . . . trying to grab anything I can and hang on to. Things could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful. I know I will be ok. I always am. It's just the road to get there is a bit longer, windier, and lonelier this time.  And I wonder if I really have what it takes for a full recovery. Do I really have enough? Is there ever enough?

Devastated

I’m finding it harder and harder to write. I really thought this would be a little bit easier then it has been. Right now, as we go through another trial in our life, I feel like I need writing more than ever. Yet, I am having a difficult time putting my feelings down on paper.

I am a dog lover. Always have been, probably always will be. Growing up we always had a dog.

Tasha was the miniature schnauzer mom and dad had before they had kids. I never really bonded with her. I was too young. We then got Peaches. A lhaso apso that was very inbred. I loved her. She loved me. We gave her to a nice older couple that was home with her and could handle all of her issues. I was devastated.

But then we got Sheba. She was a mutt – part collie or sheltie part who knows what else. She was perfect and beautiful. She had one ear that stood straight and the other flopped over. She is the dog I grew up with. She is the dog that all other dogs have been compared to in my family. She stayed with me in my room when I was grounded so that I wasn’t alone. She was there for all the friend, boy and family problems every teenage girl goes through. She was my sister when my sister went off to college. She was everything to me. And then she got cancer. She was so sick. It was horrible. It was September of 2000. We had her put out of her misery. It was horrible. I still remember her trying to hang on for us. She didn’t close her eyes until my dad told her it was ok to let go. It was like she was waiting for the ok from the family she devoted her life to. He told her we would miss her and it was ok to go. And she did.

I was in my 2^nd year of college when Sheba left us. It was about a month later that the family got Kaycee. A shy little shepherd mix. We brought her home on October 31^st of 2000. We later added Sadie, a golden retriever, in April of 2001. I honestly believe that it took both of these dogs to sort of fill Sheba’s shoes. Kaycee and Sadie are the family dogs, but they really belong to my parents. My sister and i were paving our own paths. We were transitioning from teenagers to adults. From students to employees. From dependents to the independent young women our parents had groomed us to be. I love kaycee and Sadie as my parents’ dogs.  

I was engaged and living with my best friend when I got Maggie. A sad, sick little hound mix of only 6 weeks old. She had pneumonia when we got, no, saved her. I nursed her back to health. She was my baby. She was amazing, smart, lovable, cuddly. She was my Sheba.

Her life was cut short. Maggie was born to run. She was born to be free. On that horrible New Year’s Eve in 2007, she dug her way out of our yard and she was set free from this world to run with the wind forever more. She died in my arms. It was horrible. I was devastated.

Maggie is the reason we have Sequoya. She is probably the reason we have Oakley although we got him after Maggie’s death. I love my dogs.

Now, faced with the decision to find a new, more suitable home for Sequoya, I can’t help but think about Maggie. I can’t help but feel like an unfit doggy mom. I can’t help but be sad. I love Sequoya. I don’t want to see her go. We got her when she was 4 weeks old. We fed her puppy formula. Once we discovered her eating disorder (Mega esophagus – she has a paralyzed esophagus) we ground her food, fed her at an angle and held her or propped her up for 20 to 30 minutes after she ate. Harley even went as far as to build her a puppy highchair. She was our baby. She was Maggie’s baby. Maggie wanted a playmate and we got her Sequoya. She was still our baby. When Maggie died, it was Sequoya that helped keep Harley and me going. We had a responsibility to her and she loved us. We mourned together. We grew together. We healed together. We picked up the pieces of our broken hearts and we moved on.

She is a German Shepherd. She is beautiful. She is smart, high energy, anxious, fast, agile, protective and crazy. And now, she is getting dog aggressive. Not all the time. Not to all dogs. But it is getting worse every time it seemingly randomly happens. We exercise her and we work with her, but we don’t do it every day. We don’t have time. I wish we had the time, but once Ayden came along and I got sick and we moved and work got more demanding, and, and, and . . . I could go on forever . . . the point is, we don’t have the time. She deserves more than what we are giving her. She needs more than what we are giving her. This last attack is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish it wasn’t. I wish it hadn’t happened, but it did. The dark reality of it all is we are . . . no, we were faced with a hard decision to make. We have made our decision. Sequoya deserves better then what we can give her.

So the search begins to find a home for our baby. We tell ourselves we are doing the right thing. I don’t know if I fully believe what I am saying. I know it is the right thing, but am I giving up to easily? Am I being selfish because I don’t want to put in the time, or do I really not have the time? Am I fit to be a mommy to dogs? Will she forgive us? Will she think that we didn’t love her? Will she know that we will always love her? Will Oakley be ok without Sequoya? Will Sequoya be ok without Oakley? Will Ayden wonder where she is? Will she remember us? Will she hate us? I feel that all I am left with is more questions. I feel that I may never find the right answer.  I feel sick. I feel out of my mind. I feel crazy.  I feel devastated.

Sick, Tired and Disney Tunes

I have been sick since September 13^th.  I am going on 2 months of coughing like it’s my job! I have lost count of the doctors’ visits. It started out as bronchitis. Then it went to asthmatic bronchitis. Then just plan asthma and now it is a fungus in my throat caused by the high amount of antibiotics I have been put on. Oh and I still am having the asthmatic spasm in my lungs. FABULOUS!!!

I AM TIRED!

I am tired as in the sleepy, can’t keep my eyes open version and I am tired as in the fed up, irritated, lost what little patience I have version! I’m taking my vitamins. I’m eating healthy…er. I’m taking my meds. I’m drinking plenty of water. Yet, I can not seem to get healthy. I am still sick (and tired). 

I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for a while now. This didn’t happen until after college. Before I got sick, I was about to start week 2 of the couch to 5K program. I was feeling good about working out again. Having a plan. Doing something for me! Then I got sick. No more treadmill for me. Heck, I’m happy if I can make it up the stairs without coughing up a lung! Although, at this point, maybe that would get me a new lung which doesn’t sound so bad. . . ok, maybe it does. Regardless, my 5K plans are on hold . . . for now.  My weight loss (or as I like to call it – the Taking Back Control Plan) is moving slowly with only healthy eating and portion control to get me through this non-exercising time. Exercise gives you energy. . . I am tired.

My husband is amazing. Not only does he think sick me is still sexy (God bless him!), he also has no problem jumping in and taking care of literally everything!!!! Me, the house, the laundry, dinner, Ayden, the dogs – there is nothing this man doesn’t take care of and he does it with a smile on his face!!! Yes, I know I am lucky and I will fight to the death anyone that tries to take him from me. He is my soul mate! Sometimes I wonder just how much he can put up with. I don’t feel like the fun girl he fell in love with all those years ago. I’m this coughing, sneezing, headached, tired, heavier and therefore nowhere near as fun version of that girl. The girl I was at 20. 20 . . . I miss you so much!! *sigh* But he keeps a smile on his face (most of the time) and tells me he loves me more today than yesterday. And what is better than him saying that is that he means it . . . and I know it!

I lay in bed, awake for one reason or another, and think. I don’t sleep. Maybe that’s why I am so tired?!?! I want to sleep, but I wake up. Usually because someone is snoring or Ayden is crying/fussing, but sometimes I just wake up.  For. no. reason. Except to maybe hear the Jake and the Neverland Pirates theme song playing in my head. EXCELLENT!!!!! No wonder I can’t get healthy. I’m up at all hours of the night humming Disney Junior show tunes. I guess it could be worse; I could have the Little Einsteins or Small Potatoes running through my head.  *sigh* I need help . . . like serious professional help. I think I will consult my wine bottle instead. Or maybe this calls for the heavy hitter of champagne. I always feel like the bubbles take me to my happy place! Maybe if I actually drank as much as I talk about drinking I would sleep more. But I don’t think that is the sleep I need.

 I NEED SLEEP. Real honest to God restful, blissful, non-interrupted sleep!!!!!

I would like to take a few days to just stay in bed, not do a damn thing but sleep and watch HGTV and not feel guilty about it. Of course I will miss Ayden and Harley. Maybe they can come visit for a kiss and a hug or two? Am I selfish for wanting this? I can’t help but think that maybe this is what I need to get better. But I will never take it. I feel guilty enough just thinking about it and guilt makes me feel just as sick as sick makes me feel. I may not be the best Christian that I can be but I am one damn good Catholic with all the guilt I carry!

There also isn’t time for me to sit the game out for a little while. Too much to do. Isn’t this what being a mom is? Making sure everything else gets taken care of and done before you get taken care of? Maybe that is why it is taking so long to get over my sickness. Even when I “rest” I’m not truly resting. I’m still keeping an eye on things. That’s life. There is always something going on or something that needs doing and we just put on our big girl panties and get through it. I think MOM and TIRED are one in the same. I think I could deal with the tired – that is why God invented Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy and Coffee!! It is the sick that is getting to me. It is the not being able to run after my child or take the dogs for a walk or just be silly and dance around that is driving me crazy!! It is the coughing so hard and so much for the past 2 months that my ribs hurt and my muscles ache that I am having a hard time handling.  It is breaking a sweat just putting away the dishes that makes me a little bit insane. It is being sick, on top of being tired that makes me start to slip to that dark place where we all travel to at times but never really like to admit. But I am one of the lucky ones. I have a true partner to help me get through it all and get it all done! And at the end of the day, he pours me a glass of sanity and security with a great big hug and kiss (and sometimes even a back rub!!)

I may be sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I will never cease to be amazed by how much I am loved . . . and how many Disney Junior show tunes I actually know!

I would like to end today with a toast . . . to my amazing husband who loves me even when I am sick . . . and tired . . . and singing Disney songs!

I will never be sick or tired of that!

A Toast to Innocence

It’s time for my second blog post and while I have many thoughts running through my very spaced out, can’t focus brain, I am having trouble deciding which ones to put down on paper. Then I remember the beauty of what I want this blog to be . . . random . . . crazy . . . weird . . . Just. Like. Me!!!

Ayden’s second Halloween was yesterday. He was a monkey for his first Halloween. He just sat in the stroller like the cute little 8 month old that he was. Last night was very, very different! He was my favorite character – Winnie the Pooh!!! I got his costume about 6 weeks ago and then found one cheaper at a consignment sale. In my infinite spaced-outness (did I mention I like to make up words?), I never returned the original costume. THANK GOD!!!! He outgrew the one I bought on consignment! For weeks now we have been doing dress rehearsals with Pooh. They have not gone well. The day of the big performance brought the same tears and screams. We Trick-or-Treat with my sister, BIL, two nephews, mom and dad – it’s a family event! And in our true Family Style, this get together was nothing shy of a comedy:
Dogs barking.
Doorbell ringing.
One Spiderman screaming because he wants to wear last year’s too short and a little tight Spiderman costume instead of this year’s because the spider is bigger on last year’s.
One Winnie the Pooh freaking out, kicking, screaming because . . . well . . . who knows?!?!? He is 20 months old!!
One 10 month old Tigger crying because everyone else is doing it!
Four parents arguing with kids and each other
Two grandparents sitting at the table watching this debacle and laughing their butts off!

This is my family! This is what we do. AND this is normal!!! No wonder we are all crazy!

We did manage to get all three kidos in their costumes and out the door for some major Trick-or-Treating! They all had a great night. SUCCESS!!!

I’ve never been a big fan of heat. I’m sure I didn’t mind it as much when I was skinnier younger, but we are not friends now. I say this because, finally, Georgia is getting some colder weather.  I am in love!!! Every year when this happens I fight turning the heat on in the house. I like it cold. I sleep better. I feel better. I have trained Harley to like appreciate deal with the cold. We sleep with a window open and a fan on in the winter. It only sucks when you have to get out of bed in the AM. Ayden likes the cold too. He has a fit when he gets hot and he gets hot easily. This morning, however, I bit the bullet. I turned on the heat. When your child doesn’t want to play because he is too cold to get out from under a blanket it is probably a good sign that the heat needs to be on. So the heat is on. Set to 65. And I hate to admit it, but thawing out feels . . . let’s just go with ok and be done with it. No need to harp on this!

I love watching Ayden entertain himself. He reminds me so much of me when I was carefree (not that many years ago). When what people thought of me didn’t matter; when life was about having fun. Sometimes I wonder where that person went. Every once in a while she returns. I want her to be back more, but life gets in the way. Crazy. Life gets in the way of really living. I think having Ayden is helping me get back to being the “me” I love being. He reminds me to stop and look at the clouds, smile at the moon, run through the leaves and laugh. He reminds me to laugh . . . at everything, but most importantly, myself. By laughing at myself, I am reminded to love myself. I may not be the size I want to be. I may be far from perfect. But the two most important people in my life love me for me. There are plenty of people in this world who look like I want to look; who have tons and tons of friends who worship the ground they walk on and who will never know happiness as I know it.

“That’s not the beginning of the end. That’s the return to yourself. The return to innocence.” – ENIGMA

I propose a toast . . . to living, to being ourselves, to innocence.



Livin' the Life!



Clear Your Mind and Enjoy this Moment

For months, maybe even years now, I have considered starting a blog. Why? Well, for starters, I find writing to be therapeutic. I also have a ton of random thoughts in my head and crazy shenanigans going on in my life. I always kept a diary when I was younger and a blog is sort of an adult diary that the whole world can see so sure . . . why not?!?!

I'm not a great writer. My grammar sucks and my spelling makes my grammar look good! But I LOVE writing! I love putting thoughts down and making up stories. I love having something to go back to and read over and over again. I am excited about my new adventure in the blog world.

To use a quote from the delicious Dove Milk Chocolates (I thought they were Dove Promises), "Clear your mind and enjoy this moment."

So here goes nothing. I am clearing my mind of all of my fears and enjoying the moment when I finally get back to doing something I love - writing about the total randomness that is me!